I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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