Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
