separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
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