Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
