Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
How does one acquire holy water?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
