there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
