So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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