she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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