Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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