Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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