I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
