I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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