Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
