I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?
I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
