woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
