Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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