piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
