I'm going to rape someone's good day.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
