Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize