I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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