meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
