On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
