They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
i think my tv is drunk
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
