Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
