So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
