I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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