Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
