I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Randomize
