I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
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