omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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