is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
