why didn't you poke me back
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
