i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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