Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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