So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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