I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
