I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
