I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
