I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
