I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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