Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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