i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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