He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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