she woke up with a sticky ear
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
