Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
