i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
