some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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