i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
