im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
