Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My pussy is not your playground.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
