I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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