So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize