and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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