just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
