I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize