I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Randomize
