I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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