ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Randomize
