So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
