I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
