Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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